Halloween Came, Scans Went, & I'm Still Standing. 🖤
Above: Me, my dad, & my children at Six Flags Frightfest & Boo at the Zoo 2021
After my mother’s death, my liver enzymes spiked. Meanwhile, CT scans last week revealed the ongoing persistence of my carcinoma. Some areas show stability or reduction. Others show growth.
Meanwhile, I’m writing my way through various emotions and taking comfort in the way that other women with advanced, stage 4 cancer have embraced the ebb and flow of life with this disease—like this.
Even so, I have fears that no doctor will want to continue helping me because my cancer is so prolific. I have fears that what’s bad now can only become worse. I have fears that I have never been, or will be, enough—that, perhaps, I don’t deserve to live.
I also know all of the is a bit melodramatic. After all, experiencing life and death are just natural parts of being human. As Kate Bowler’s IG feed reminded me tonight, sometimes it feels like everything in life is just made of paper, held together by love.
While this is especially true for those of us living with the uncertainty of advanced disease, it’s fundamentally true for everyone. The strongest thing we can do is to choose life and then keep going. Life’s constants are its changes. We’re all dancing, moving both forward and back.
As I once wrote in a poem addressed to my daughter: I promise to live until it’s a good day to die. And, then, I promise the world will go on.
Psychologically, something that can help us all live longer lives is getting a handle on our mental health and banishing burnout. This emerged as a theme last month, as you’ll see in writing I completed both for Education Without Limits and Work for Good:
A closer look at how ResourceHQ reduces educator burnout (ewlhub.org)
Addressing burnout in your resume, interview, and career | Work for Good
Meanwhile, on Medium:
I’ve shared some revelations about how there’s freedom in some of the changes I’ve been forced to make. (So, I Guess I’m Free. A poem about all the stuff I’ve been… | by Kelli Lynn Grey | Atta Girl | Oct, 2021 | Medium)
I’ve spoken out against the disparity in funding for cancer cures and screenings vs. funding for medicines to help people like me live longer with a disease that I fully believe will one day be normalized as chronic, rather than terminal. (Looking Beyond a Cure: Don’t Ignore Stage 4 | by Kelli Lynn Grey | Oct, 2021 | An Injustice! (aninjusticemag.com))
I’ve also reflected on the connection between cancer and autism, a condition I’ve become aware I likely possess after seeking out care for my children. (The Potential Connection Between Autism and Cancer | by Kelli Lynn Grey | ArtfullyAutistic | Nov, 2021 | Medium)
Finally, I’m just $322 short of officially meeting my fundraising goal for my Queen of Wands book project! I’m also grateful for everyone who has chosen to contribute to my treatment/recovery/life via the various links on my Flowpage, here: Kelli Lynn Grey's Flowpage (flowcode.com)
Ongoing contributions are always welcome. So are sending good vibes and sharing my stories!
Despite pain, fear, and uncertainty, my kids and I did manage to have a happy Halloween. So, I’ve shared some pics as proof that there can be beauty and joy in the dark.
Until next time,
Kelli